Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
