my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
