I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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