So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
