I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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