The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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