Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
