there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
