Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
