Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
