is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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