Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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