my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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