Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
