The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
