it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
