that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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