At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
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He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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