Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
