i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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