Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
