no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
