did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
