woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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