I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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