Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I want to be your penis for a week.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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