I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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