My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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