I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
