I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
