final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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