sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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