dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Randomize
