New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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