I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
