Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
is wine microwaveable?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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