I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
