Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
