Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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