How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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