apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
