A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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