I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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