thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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