Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
