I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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