Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
