Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
