So drunk its hurt
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
