I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
