for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
your like the ambassador to my penis.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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