i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
