I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
