Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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