Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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