the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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