why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
