He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
