maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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